My mother is very disappointed with the pandemic situation. Just like everyone’s life goals for 2020 got tanked, so did her’s. Her life’s mission to get me married off by 2021 now needs a re-think.
I won’t deny that for a while I was relieved. But I also feel guilty. Indian society is unforgiving to the parents of 30-year-old unmarried women.
This reminded me of a dinner party when I was visiting Calcutta last year. Some of my extended family members and cousins were also there. I was in the washroom when I heard two women speaking in hushed tones.
“Why isn’t she married yet? Isn’t she getting any man to hold onto?”
I was intrigued. I knew they were talking about me. I leaned in to listen, that’s when my phone buzzed. I quickly glanced on my phone screen.
“Thinking of you. Send me nudes.”
It was a text message from a man I had barely started talking to on a dating app.
I ignored the request. I am not a prude if that is what you are wondering.
Dating is a dicey game for a 30-year-old single woman living in urban India. Me being a millennial does not help matters either. I am shoved into the category of being “more available” on the internet. Assumed to be available for any categories of men – married, unmarried, looking for a quick sexting partner or just out of college, and looking for sexual experimentation. Being a plus-sized woman adds that fantasy element too.
Having said that, I am not generalizing the situation. I have met some nice men over the years and with whom I share a great rapport even today. And I truly believe that the dating culture in India got democratized for our generation because of these apps.
However, it does little for the stigma attached to a 30-something unmarried woman in Indian society.
“Why haven’t you found someone yet?” is a question thrown to me in the most polite way possible. It is usually followed by some unsolicited advice on how I should be conducting myself to appeal to men more. After all, according to them, I have crossed my “prime”.
But, have I? When should I be ‘in my Prime’?
- “25 is your Prime”: Apparently, 25 years of age is considered to be the bliss point for women in India. It is the peak of one’s ‘youthful glow’ and the age which is most attractive to men. Not to forget, this is the age when most of the women folks in my family got married and had two children by the time they hit their 30’s
- “She has become too independent for a man”: Needless to say, my sexual life comes under the scanner for my extended family as I have been living on my own in a different city for a long time. With limited to no sex education and devoid of an appropriate language to address the topic makes the discussion excruciatingly uncomfortable for them. But not so much when there is casual banter involved at dinner parties!
- “She should set a precedent for the next generation”: The idea of a woman not having a man in her life welcomes a lot of skepticism. Also, being the eldest sibling among my cousins, it is a non-negotiable duty of mine to set the right example for the younger lot. Does it not matter that I am emotionally, mentally, and financially in a better place today than I was when I was 25 years old?
- “Your benchmarks are too high”: My ‘benchmarks’ which define my prime are completely discounted for the fact that I am unable to hold onto a man. It is silently implied that 30 something unmarried women like me need to be prepared to accept just about any man who comes our way, not necessary to check whether he has reached his prime
So much for being the first generation woman in my family to be living on her own terms. But by standards of the society, me missing my prime is all it takes to be making me less valuable.
STORIES PLEASE! 